When I first became sexually active at 17, the idea of talking openly about my sex life was incomprehensible. In a culture of slut-shaming and victim-blaming,. I spent far too long being agreeable, accommodating, non-confrontational… unwilling to speak up for my own needs and desires because I didn’t want to be perceived as difficult, promiscuous or undeserving of respect.
I also felt shame for indulging in things that seemed frivolous or vain – and to this day, female-coded interests are dismissed as such. I’d happily own that I was completing a master’s degree but felt like I’d be judged if I told them that I loved to play with makeup, dress up and spend time on my hair.
Now at 31, I couldn’t be farther from that. I’ve re-evaluated how I view confidence, self-care and sexual wellness. I’ve become a Wella Professionals Ambassador and want to encourage women across Australia to embrace their sexuality and take control of their own satisfaction. And I have opinions about how to have the best 90 seconds of your life — and I’ll be damned if I’m shamed into silence for it.
A couple of Christmases ago, I actually gifted my best friends a vibrator each and it’s safe to say, it was the gift that kept on giving. It was so invigorating, waving those soft, pink silicone treats around, delegating orgasms to every one of them Oprah-style (“You get an orgasm! You get an orgasm!”). I’m a far cry from the girl who was once afraid to admit that sex wasn’t pleasurable for her because she was too busy ‘performing’.
I grew up in a society that conditioned me to feel shame for the very sexuality that it so openly profited off. And it’s not just sex. From what young women wear to the vocations we choose, the world has a blueprint for what we should say, do, hide and silence.
The societal pressure on women to conform is structural and systemic, deeply rooted in cultural norms and dated representations within media. It exploits our sexuality but derides women who are ‘too sexy.’ It tells us to be confident but is quick to smite anyone who comes across as too ‘full of themselves.’ It’s obsessed with policing every detail of our bodies but, god forbid, we share too much information about our periods!
For far too long, our sexual wellness and confidence have been exploited, commodified and sold back to us in small, digestible boxes that fit the blueprint – but I think the blueprint is outdated.
So, as I flung vibrators at every smiling face in that semi-circle of friends, I relished in the fact that the way we think, talk and approach sex is evolving over generations. And while generations like my parents’ might not always love that language is constantly changing (they’re so mad they need to get their head around ‘sneaky links’ when it took them ages to understand fuck buddies), they’re taking a leaf out of Gen Z books.
I love that books are now written with an undertone of sex positivity and self-expression. Today, young people prioritise open conversations about consent, sexual health and boundaries and this in turn fosters greater confidence, particularly in women, to assert needs and desires, which is so refreshing.
We live in a digital world where the dial truly is moving, propelled by social movements and an inspired generation of young people who want to cultivate a strong sense of agency in not just young women, but people broadly when it comes to sex.
And as a former Psych graduate who loves data, I was not surprised to see the link between making time for yourself, confidence and sexual wellness. It was so interesting to me that in Wella’s sex and confidence survey, 3.1 million Aussie women agree that they feel more confident and sexually attractive when their hair looks good. The research found ‘feeling insecure about [my] appearance,’ was Australian women’s top sexual concern — and I get it. The data goes on to say that only one in three of us engage in a regular hair care routine – so this feels like an obvious way to build on an external sense of self-confidence that flows into the bedroom.
Learning that Australian women are feeling anxious about sex directly because of a lack of confidence in their appearance deeply resonated with me. It takes me back to that 17-year-old who didn’t know it was okay to invest in and care for herself and didn’t understand that her pleasure mattered too. So, I think this growing gulf between women’s sexual pleasure and their confidence is something we must tackle.
In a world where blueprints tell us that our interests are frivolous, that self-indulgence, agency and confidence are to be shut down, and sexual agency is shamed – something as simple as a regular hair care routine and sexual pleasure can be simple but powerful acts of defiance.
Now, whether I am taking care of my hair with a 90-second hair mask (I recommend trying the Wella Ultimate Repair Mask – you’ll thank me later), or tuning into myself with LBDO (which can be used both solo or partnered, I guarantee this will be the best 90-seconds of your life), I’m reminded that I deserve my own time and care. That my interests and rituals aren’t to be dismissed as silly, and anything that showers me with love, feeds my confidence and allows me to enjoy my sexuality is essential to my healthy functioning as a human being.
Developing a strong sense of self-worth and love allows you to prioritise your own needs – whatever they may be – in a healthy way, and I can’t imagine that I’d have gotten to this stage without putting my self-care first. The Gen Z books really are onto something, good hair days aren’t to be underestimated. And vibrators make a brilliant Christmas present, I promise.
Written by Maria Thattil. You can follow her at @mariathattil on socials.
Image credit: @mariathattil + Punkee
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