Nothing makes me despair for the human race like opening up LinkedIn. I get that LinkedIn is now a necessary evil for finding a job. But it’s so unbelievably annoying when people write a novella on their profile filled with meaningless waffle, or post a hundred times a day about how amazing they think they are.
Here are the most annoying types of people on LinkedIn. Best of luck for avoiding them.
The fifteen-year-old who has achieved nothing in their life
Some silly school careers advisor told this teenager that grown-ups only get jobs if they have LinkedIns, so they had an existential crisis and made an account. Thing is, they’ve done nothing job-related. So now they’ve filled up their profile with stuff that has all the professional gravitas of “Grade 2 recorder” and “reserve player for the netball F team.”
Writing GCSE English essays has given them the gift of the gab, so they’ve filled their bio with meaningless waffle about how school societies have equipped them with the skills to work at MI6. Lots of “I’m a skilled negotiator who excels in mediating conflicts over technological products with multiple tight-knit stakeholders” (read: I fight with my siblings over what we watch on TV), or “developed my communication and leadership skills by delivering a series of seminars on the portrayal of seashells in Shakespeare to a large group of literature academics” (read: I had to make a Powerpoint for my homework).
Middle-aged man who lives only for LinkedIn
@pasha did you know that “let’s get coffee” actually means “let’s never see each other again” in corporate language? you’re welcome! here are your most popular LinkedIn phrases and what they actually mean in real life: “congratulations on your new role! the team will really miss you” – we are glad you left and we will miss doing your work for you (we won’t)
”you will be a great asset to the company” – asset means either non-performing asset i.e. asset that no longer brings in any value or a physical office asset like a chair, cabinet, a plant etc
“this is exciting! looking forward to seeing what you do next!” – I have no idea what you’re doing with your life, but goodluck!
This guy has five friends in real life (including his dog walker) but 5,000 connections on LinkedIn. He probably has a mysterious and morally ambiguous job in a scary skyscraper. He’s posted so much on LinkedIn that he now speaks on LinkedInese in real life. He walks past a Yoga studio on the high street and he has to rush in to congratulate everybody on their new positions.
Uni student who’s desperate to get onto a grad scheme
@kick.it.forward Do you hate linkedin? #linkedin #funny #sketch #aus #Melbourne #perth
This 22-year-old signed up for a procrastination Master’s for something called “Business and economical statistical development with International financials”. Now they doomscroll through LinkedIn every night and write a post about every lecture they slept through and every smoothie they bought from Pret in the hope that this will somehow make them more employable.
Sponsored student recruiter / AI scammer
“Hey there *insert your name here*! You’re looking very demure and mindful this morning! Big slay! I’ve got an amazing exclusive opportunity which I think a brat girl like you would be perfect for!
“If you’re interested, please message me within the next 48 seconds, like this post on all your secret burner Instagram accounts, project my face onto your kitchen wall, and PayPal me £999.98. Then I’ll send you this super secret ExCel spreadsheet which I stole from a five-year-old Reddit post. If you don’t make me your legal guardian in the next two minutes, I’ll assume you’re not interested and I’ll have to recommend someone else for this non-existent role!”
These are some of the most annoying people on LinkedIn, and I’m not convinced they’re real people. Are these accounts really people who work in recruitment? Middle-aged creeps pretending to be in their 20s so people will sign up for their SubStack? Robots plotting to take over the workforce? I don’t know and I’m too scared to delve further. Just don’t join their VIP premium future CEO platinum membership fan club scheme.
Unemployed grad who now claims to be a CEO
@uxplosiveideas linkedin IS NOT REAL
#linkedin #worktok #corporatelife #linkedintips #ftx
Pretty much every uni course is guaranteed to produce at least three people who decide they’re going to run their own companies, but don’t really know what companies are. Their LinkedIn says they’re the CEO of an exciting new start-up called Glooplie Innovation. They post TikToks along the lines of “Make-Up tutorial CEO edition” and “Tips to boost your productivity and be as glamorous and amazing as me”. In reality, they sit in their parents’ shed looking at Pinterest all day.
Your ex
Everyone knows that LinkedIn’s best use isn’t for getting jobs. It’s for stalking all the people you’ve fallen out with to see how badly their lives are going. If you jokingly added your ex on LinkedIn two years ago, there’s a high chance they use LinkedIn to check where you’ll be from 9:00am to 5:00pm on weekdays. Nothing screams “desperate” like sliding into somebody’s DMs on LinkedIn. Your exes are the most annoying people you could encounter on LinkedIn.
