My best friend is female, lesbian and taken, still I’m on the cusp of an affair

DEAR DEIDRE: I’M about to embark on an affair with my female best friend, after years in a sexless relationship – but I know it’s foolish.

Last time we met, we kissed and fondled each other, and we would have had sex had her girlfriend not come home. I can’t stop thinking about her.

I’m a 39-year-old guy, and live with my partner, who is 38. 

She has chronic fatigue and is quite disabled by it, so I’m her carer. I love her, but for the past three years, she’s had no interest in sex at all.

I’m still young and incredibly unhappy and frustrated with the situation, but she won’t discuss it.

My best friend is a gay woman, 35, who has a long-term girlfriend. 

She’s always been there for me, and I’ve confided in her about my relationship issues, including the lack of sex.

She told me she’s not happy with her girlfriend either.

The girlfriend has made no secret of the fact she doesn’t like me. She’s clearly extremely jealous of our relationship as friends.

Last week, I went to my best friend’s for coffee and we had a heart to heart. We admitted we were in love with each other and she said I was the only man she’d ever been attracted to.

She hugged me and, somehow, we ended up kissing and touching each other through our clothes. I was really turned on and could tell she was too.

Before we could rip each other’s clothes off, we heard her girlfriend coming in the front door, and jumped apart. 

Since then, I have fantasised about sex with her daily.

Would I be crazy to take things further? 

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DEIDRE SAYS: Take things further and you risk not only wrecking your relationship – and hers – but also destroying your friendship.

You seem to be looking for a way out of your relationship. 

It’s incredibly hard to leave someone who you’re caring for, so perhaps part of you wants to torpedo things by being unfaithful. 

Or perhaps, you and your best friend really are destined to be together. 

Either way, it’s important not to rush into anything. 

Perhaps you could suggest to your best friend that you take a step back until you’re sure about what you both want.

It might help to have some counselling. 

See my support pack about this, and contact TR –  formerly Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org.uk).

My support pack, Torn Between Two Women, should also help.