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EastEnders hardman smashed my face in after vicious row over dog poo as I walked pet in park, claims disabled victim
EASTENDERS hardman Scott Maslen fought with a disabled dog-walker in a row over picking up poo in a park.
MS sufferer Michael Kelly has spoken to cops after accusing the Jack Branning star, 53, of fracturing his eye socket in London.
He told the actor, who denies starting the brawl: “You’re not on EastEnders now.”
Kelly, 55, said he and the star both ended up on a park floor as the row turned into a brawl.
He says he was left with whiplash and needed hospital treatment.
Sources close to Mr Maslen — who as hardman Jack Branning recently punched his 16th character, landing 39 blows in the soap — last night said there had been a “scuffle”.
But he insisted he did not start it while walking his labrador Chewbacca.
Mr Kelly, who owns a four-year-old labradoodle called Ned, has given a statement to police who are investigating.
The former charity worker has multiple sclerosis (MS), a disease of the central nervous system which affects his balance.
He said: “I sometimes use a wheelchair and need a stick, but try to keep active.
“Walking my dog gets me out of the house, and is good for me.
“On this occasion I took Ned to Regent’s Park. He was running around and I was on the phone when I became aware of a man shouting behind me. I didn’t take much notice, and carried on chatting to my son-in-law.
“Suddenly it was unavoidable to ignore the man.
“Ned had gone to the toilet. I hadn’t picked the poo up quickly enough, because I was on the phone, and this man was furious.
“He was wearing headphones, a shooting jacket and matching green cap, waterproof wellies and trousers. Of course I was going to pick up the dog poo but he didn’t give me a chance.
“He was shouting obscenities. I told him I’d pick it up when I was ready. It was unbelievable.
“He shouted, ‘Who do you think you are?’. He kept calling me a mug. ‘You mug, you’re such a mug, you’re a f***ing mug’. I was shocked but said, ‘You’re the mug’. I replied, ‘Who do you think you are? What are you doing?’”
Park brawl
Mr Kelly claimed the argument then turned into a brawl with both men on the floor.
He went on: “A woman dog-walker screamed and said she was ringing the police.
“As I struggled to get up I recognised the man and said, ‘You’re in EastEnders’.
“I gathered my thoughts and said, ‘You’re not in EastEnders now. This is real life’.
“I managed to take two photographs at the scene.”
Mr Kelly said he was dripping in blood from his face and head as he drove back to his daughter’s home in Islington, North London.
He said: “I went to the hospital and needed stitches in my nose, and they cleaned up cuts to my head. I had whiplash.
“They said I’d fractured my eye socket. It’s unbelievable. I have had to see the eye specialist for ongoing treatment. I have another appointment in eight weeks.”
Pals of Mr Maslen said there had been a row with a man in Regent’s Park who had not picked up his dog’s poo.
A source said: “The bloke wasn’t on his phone and just appeared to be staring at his dog’s business, refusing to pick it up.
“Scott asked him if he was going to pick it up, and if he wanted a poo bag to do so.
“A row started, escalated by the other man who grabbed Scott.
“He started a fight. They were on the floor but as soon as it was over Scott walked away.”
Mr Maslen became a household name as Detective Sergeant Phil Hunter in police drama The Bill between 2002 and 2007.
He made his debut as Albert Square Romeo Jack, the brother of Max and April Branning, in 2007, and has been a regular since, barring a two-year break from 2013.
His storylines have included a romance with Ronnie Mitchell (played by his real-life pal Samantha Womack) and an affair with Stacey Slater (Lacey Turner).
In 2010 he took a brief break from the soap to compete in Strictly Come Dancing, partnering pro dancer Natalie Lowe.
They finished fourth, beaten by Pamela Stephenson, Matt Baker and series champion Kara Tointon.
Mr Maslen also appeared in Celebrity MasterChef in 2015, and he has previously played Claude Speed in the live-action trailer for Grand Theft Auto 2.
Married to Estelle, they have a grown-up son and live in North London, close to Regent’s Park.
The couple bought their four- bedroom pad for £1.2million two months before they got married in September 2008. The swish property has four bathrooms, a patio garden and a roof terrace.
Last night the Metropolitan Police confirmed they were investigating the park brawl.
Mr Maslen was approached for comment.
Jaw-dropping heroics of SAS legend Paddy Mayne’s do-or-die mission dubbed ‘bravest of WW2’ – before he was denied a VC
CAUGHT in a Nazi ambush, the trapped SAS men’s plight seemed desperate.
Patrol leader Major Dick Bond and his driver, Trooper Max Levinsohn, lay dead in the ditch, each having been shot in the forehead by a German sniper.
Others, some severely injured, were trapped further along the water-filled drain, pinned down by enemy fire.
Their four Willys Jeeps, abandoned on the narrow roadway where the trap had been sprung, offered no salvation as they were raked by heavy machine-gun fire, anti-tank missiles and a small arms barrage from the large German force in farm buildings.
Legendary SAS commander Lt- Colonel Blair “Paddy” Mayne — portrayed by Jack O’Connell in BBC’s World War Two blockbuster SAS Rogue Heroes — was incandescent with rage when he learned by radio what had befallen his men.
He ordered his own Jeep driver, Trooper Billy Hull, to drive like mad to the scene of the action, outside a village of Lorup in the German state of Lower Saxony.
What followed was one of the bravest actions of the Second World War, yet Mayne was denied the highest award for gallantry to the astonishment of all who knew of it — including King George VI.
Now a new book delves into the injustice of that denied Victoria Cross.
In Lorup, 30-year-old Mayne grabbed a Bren gun and went alone to check out a farmhouse from where some of the enemy had been firing.
Finding they had either been killed or moved out, Mayne put Hull, 22, on the top floor to give covering fire while he headed on foot towards the Germans.
As Hull opened up with his Tommy gun, Mayne stepped into clear sight of the enemy and, spotting a sniper among those now targeting Hull, shot the marksman dead.
Single-handedly, and under heavy fire, he then cleared out a large barn packed with German soldiers — “firing burst after burst from the shoulder, killing or wounding all”.
But a torrent of machine gun bullets and anti-tank missiles was still coming from the next barn and the woodlands beyond, aimed not just at Mayne and Hull but at the SAS in the ditch.
Mayne decided only a do-or-die attack would save his trapped men, so he called for a volunteer to man the twin Vickers-K guns on the back of his Jeep as he jumped into the driving seat.
Several survivors from Major Bond’s patrol stepped forward and Mayne chose Lieutenant John Scott.
Then he drove hell-for-leather along the bullet-raked road, urging Scott to fire into the woodlands where most of the German soldiers were, by then, entrenched and returning a storm of fire.
Such was the intensity of the rounds peppering the lone Jeep that those watching could not believe neither Mayne nor Scott had been hit.
Drawing level with where his men were pinned down, Mayne yelled that he would get them on his next pass.
Mayne spun the Jeep around and headed back, the road still being torn up by enemy fire and Scott still hammering away at enemy positions.
Stopping by the trapped men then would have been suicidal — but Mayne reached his starting point and turned around for a third run.
‘BRAZEN THING TO DO’
By now, Hull’s position was well alight from enemy incendiary rounds so Mayne got the remainder of the SAS patrol to give covering fire as he drove again into the enemy gunfire.
This time, level with the ditch, Mayne jumped out and began dragging the wounded one by one back to the jeep and, with all his men on board, he thundered back to safety.
Sergeant Albert Youngman, one of those saved from the ditch, would report: “It was such a brazen thing to do.
“They were throwing everything back at him. God knows how they didn’t hit him.
“Finest act of bravery I have ever seen in my life.”
The ambush was a setback for SAS troops who had been the vanguard of Allied forces pushing into Germany in April 1945 as part of Operation Howard.
Their Jeeps — regarded as “mechanised mess tins” by the Canadian 4th Armoured Division for whom they were pathfinders — offered the SAS little protection in this kind of warfare.
Already awarded the Distinguished Service Order and two bars (meaning he had won the DSO three times), Mayne was recommended for the Victoria Cross, supported by Lieutenant Scott — himself awarded the Military Medal — who said: “Colonel Mayne showed a personal courage that it has never before been my privilege to witness.”
The citation was backed by SAS Captain David Surrey-Dane who had been there, and by Canadian Major-General Christopher Volkes, and signed off by SAS chief Brigadier Mike Calvert and even Field Marshal Bernard Montgomery, Commander-in-Chief of British forces in Germany.
But, behind the scenes, some faceless Whitehall bureaucrat struck through the VC recommendation and scrawled: “3rd Bar to DSO”.
Major General Bob Laycock, Britain’s Chief of Combined Operations, wrote to Mayne in August 1945, telling him: “In my opinion, the appropriate authorities do not really know their job.
“If they did they would have given you a VC.”
George VI asked Winston Churchill to intervene, but by then the former PM was out of office and it was deemed too late.
A VC would have been a fitting way of marking Mayne’s journey from sports hero to war hero.
He was the sixth of seven children born to a wealthy Protestant family with several retail businesses in Newtownards, now in Northern Ireland.
Mayne studied law at Queen’s University, Belfast, where he excelled at rugby and golf and took up boxing, becoming Irish Universities Heavyweight Champion.
Earning a total of six Rugby Union caps for Ireland, in 1938 he was selected for the British and Irish Lions tour of South Africa — and relaxed off-pitch by “smashing up hotels and fighting dockers”.
‘GRAVE INJUSTICE’
Mayne was the stand-out player in 17 of 30 provincial games and all three tests.
He joined a firm of solicitors in 1939 but when war broke out he signed up to the Royal Artillery, then the Royal Ulster Rifles.
After a stint in a commando unit, he soon came to the attention of Colonel David Stirling and was an early volunteer to his SAS in North Africa.
In December 1955, he spent the night drinking with a friend before driving home — and at about 4am he was found dead in his car in Newtownards, Co Down, having reportedly collided with a farmer’s vehicle.
After Mayne’s death aged 40, several attempts were made to have the VC awarded retrospectively, including a 2002 petition to the Queen.
There have been several Early Day Motions in the Commons, most recently in 2005 when the attempt to recognise a “grave injustice” was signed by 105 MPs.
Late Labour MP Ian Gibson at the time slammed the “small-mindedness” of the decision not to award Mayne the VC.
Military historian Damien Lewis, whose latest book SAS Daggers Drawn tells the remarkable stories of Mayne and his men in 1944 and 1945, believes the VC should be posthumously awarded.
He said: “The French are still giving Croix de Guerre and various other medals to British servicemen 80 years on.
“It’s not as if you can’t give decorations long after the events.”
He argues those who objected to Mayne’s VC because they said Lt Scott was involved and the medal was only for “single” acts of gallantry were wrong as it was always for “signal” acts of bravery.
Lewis said: “What it boils down to is two things: First, Paddy Mayne was not public school and he wasn’t English.
“He wasn’t from the right establishment background.
“Secondly, the SAS was deeply unpopular.
“No one was going to give a VC to the SAS, especially when they were about to disband them.
The commando unit was disbanded in 1945 and reformed two years later.
In spite of Special Forces missions re- quiring the kind of extraordinary bravery for which the VC was created, the medal has never been awarded to a British member of the SAS.
Anders Lassen did win the VC with the British SAS but was Danish.
Lewis said VCs had been awarded in the past for cumulative actions, and Mayne’s persistent acts of bravery would qualify.
But he added: “His action at Lorup was worthy in itself.
‘REMARKABLE INDIVIDUAL’
“It was not even bordering on suicidal. It was suicidal.
“When you read the accounts, I don’t know how he survived.”
So why did Mayne put himself in mortal danger?
“It was care for his men, as simple as that,” said Lewis.
“He couldn’t bear losing any of them and he felt each loss very personally.
“That’s one reason why he ended up being so traumatised at the end of the war.”
After George VI had presented him with his fourth DSO, and expressed astonishment that it had not been a VC, Mayne said: “I served to my best, my King and Queen, and none can take that honour away from me.”
Lewis said: “That’s one of the reasons why he was such a remarkable individual.
“His principle consideration was saving his men, vanquishing the enemy and doing the right thing.
“That’s why he was so revered by those under his command.”
- SAS Daggers Drawn by Damien Lewis is published by Quercus at £22. For Damien Lewis tour events see geni.us/Damien-AutumnEvents.
I was stalked by a stranger online – he used my pics to advertise explicit content & accused my pals, it ruined my life
When a man dubbed Britain’s worst cyberstalker targeted former model Kirsten Dugdale, 31, her world fell apart.
Today, the single mum from Essex opens up about her nightmare ordeal.
HEARING the familiar “ping” notification, I reached for my phone to see a weird message from a stranger.
“Liv” wrote: “I’ve got something to tell you, followed seconds later by: “You’re with Joe*, aren’t you? It’s about him.”
It was February 2019 and the Instagram messages were the beginning of an online campaign of terror that would see me lose friends, my job and even fear for my sanity.
I didn’t know it at the time, but I was just one of serial cyberstalker Matthew Hardy’s many victims.
Some of Hardy’s crimes and how he was finally tracked down became the focus of the hit Netflix documentary, Can I Tell You A Secret?.
The day that first message arrived, I had been dating my partner Joe, 35, for four years. He’s an accountant and we met through Tinder.
We lived together in Wiltshire and I trusted him completely. But the fact a total stranger knew him by name turned my stomach upside down.
I instantly panicked and started to think the worst. Had he been unfaithful or had something happened to him?
“Yes, why?” I replied, cautiously.
“He’s not cheated,” she typed, seemingly reading my mind. “You’re too beautiful for that.”
Staring at my phone in confusion, I decided not to respond and continued preparing dinner.
But I couldn’t stop thinking about the message and later that evening I decided to get to the bottom of it. “What is this information you have?” I demanded to know.
“Liv” — if that was even her real name — danced around the question, leaving me totally frustrated.
My gut told me it was a fake account and I grew tired of going around in circles so I stopped replying, no longer prepared to engage in the conversation.
I headed to bed and tried to put it to the back of my mind.
But the next morning I had another message request from an unknown account.
“I’ve got some information,” it cryptically read. “If I tell you, you have to keep it to yourself.”
‘It was getting really creepy’
Two different women had reached out to me within 24 hours and I started to question if Joe was hiding something.
But, a few hours later, after a flurry of confusing messages, I was still none the wiser.
The next day, I received yet another message from a third account.
I felt like a broken record asking for this so-called information, so this time I blocked them immediately.
Shortly afterwards, I started to get anonymous phone calls from withheld numbers. I held back from answering at first, but my phone would ring multiple times a day.
“Who is this and what do you want?” I asked when I finally answered, frustrated by not knowing what was going on.
But the caller stayed silent. All I could hear was them breathing into the handset, as if I was in a horror film. It was getting really creepy.
“Leave me alone,” I begged, tearily.
I’d had enough and I contacted Wiltshire Police. There were no signs of the calls and messages stopping and it was starting to get out of control.
The case was referred to a stalking and social media team, but I felt like a sitting duck as call after call came through from different numbers.
Things spiralled and I would get a daily influx of messages from different online accounts. The situation made me so paranoid, I even started to become suspicious of my mates.
Fearing I was being targeted by someone I knew, I hadn’t told anyone about the messages or calls apart from Joe, and my 51-year-old dad, Andy.
“Just block and ignore,” my dad told me. But it was easier said than done.
The more the messages came, the more I pushed away people I knew.
Kirsten Dugdale
I then found out that in December 2018, this stranger had reached out to an acquaintance, claiming to be “concerned” for my welfare. This was before I’d even started receiving the mysterious calls.
“They said in the message that your partner has hit you,” the person told me.
I couldn’t believe it. Joe had never been violent towards me. My blood started to boil as I struggled to understand what they were trying to achieve.
Then other friends began texting me, asking if I was OK. They were being contacted too.
My mind went into detective mode and I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was someone close to home. I started to message my friends, demanding to know who was harassing me.
Obviously they were offended and the more the messages came, the more I pushed away people I knew.
I was becoming totally paranoid and before I knew it, I had fallen out with a handful of people.
It was also affecting my relationship with Joe, who was in despair at the shell of the person I had become.
In November 2019, nine months into my ordeal, I was devastated to learn someone had created a fake Instagram profile of me and had sent flirtatious messages from it to a local photographer, insinuating that we would be intimate together.
Thankfully, he disregarded it, but I was utterly humiliated.
‘I didn’t know what to do’
The accounts kept coming and I was bombarded with messages on Facebook and Instagram.
My life was being taken over by someone and it kept me up at night, not knowing who it was, or why they were doing it.
I was so traumatised by what was happening I couldn’t face being in front of the camera. I just wanted to know who was targeting me — and why.
In early 2020, I found out a fake modelling account had been created on Instagram under my name.
Over the next week, I received multiple screenshots from friends telling me the account was advertising explicit content.
I would report one account and it would be taken down, only for a new one to appear hours later. It was exhausting and I would cry at night as I didn’t know what to do.
In February 2020, I discovered I was pregnant. Ordinarily, I would have been so excited — I wanted to be a mum. But the harassment overshadowed everything.
Then, strangely, for the first time in just over a year, my online “stalker” suddenly went silent.
“Maybe it’s all over?” I hoped, stroking my growing bump. A few months later, someone called Matthew Hardy used a real account to message an ex’s dad and accused me of sleeping with him.
They got in contact and the penny dropped — he was the real person who had been harassing me.
The messages read exactly like my stalker’s with “u” instead of “you” and short, illiterate sentences.
My heart beat frantically as I dialled the police.
Kirsten Dugdale
Staring at his Facebook profile, I couldn’t believe I was finally looking at the person who had been doing this to me.
He was a complete stranger. I didn’t recall ever meeting him or seeing him anywhere.
How he had found me, got my details or why he had become fixated on me, I didn’t know.
I scrolled Hardy’s friends list on his Facebook profile and reached out to the first profile I saw — someone named Luke.
I asked him if he knew Hardy, 30, and he simply said: “You need to contact the police in Cheshire.”
Even though Luke was a total stranger, he was helpful as he could tell I was distressed.
My heart beat frantically as I dialled the police. When I spoke to PC Kevin Anderson of Cheshire Constabulary, he said he was dealing with reports against Hardy from multiple women.
For the first time, I felt I wasn’t alone.
In October 2020, there was finally some light in my life when my healthy baby girl arrived at North Bristol Hospital, weighing 6lbs 1oz.
‘He picked on women out of his league’
Crying tears of joy, I held my little girl in my arms as Joe looked proudly down at us both.
But I couldn’t rest in my pursuit of Hardy, who had made my life a misery for nearly two years.
“I’ve contacted the police and I won’t stop until you are in prison,” I messaged him on October 26, 2020, for the final time.
“The police have stacks on me, and they’ve never done a thing,” he replied.
The following March, he was finally arrested on suspicion of stalking involving fear of violence and harassment in relation to ten victims, including me.
Joe and I then decided to separate in June 2021 — the wedge this ordeal had driven between us was too wide to fix.
That same month, at Chester Crown Court, Hardy pleaded guilty to three counts of stalking with intent to cause alarm or distress, two of stalking without intent to cause alarm, and breaching a restraining order from 2013, which barred him from using fake info on social networking sites.
Hardy, from Northwich, Cheshire, was given a nine-year prison sentence in January 2022. I didn’t go to court — I was busy with a toddler and didn’t want to see him.
But I was delighted with how long he got banged up for — even though the term was reduced, on appeal, to eight years.
Hardy then ended up the subject of Can I Tell You A Secret? — which featured the stories of victims such as Abby Furness — and was dubbed Britain’s worst cyberstalker.
I wasn’t involved, as they only looked into three of the women he stalked.
I haven’t modelled since the stalking started and I miss it. But I’ve lost my confidence and don’t think I’ll ever put myself back out there like that again.
I used to have an active Instagram presence and, in a way, I think it contributed to me being stalked.
I think Hardy picked on women out of his league, as a way to talk to them.
To anyone experiencing cyberstalking, I would urge you to report it as soon as you can.
Keep as much evidence as possible, and if it continues, keep a record of it, because the more you have, the easier it is to find who is doing it and eventually get justice.
Don’t let it drop — sick people like Hardy have no right to ruin another person’s life.
*Some names have been changed.
- If you are being cyberstalked, contact the National Stalking Helpline for help and support on 0808 802 0300 (Mon-Fri, 9.30am–4pm, except Wednesday, 9.30am-8pm) or see suzylamplugh.org.
Living on Mars is an eye-popping idea but it just ain’t going to take off, Elon Musk
WHEN Elon Musk announced recently that thanks to his space endeavours, more than a million people will be living on Mars in just 25 years’ time, I thought “come off it, mate”.
The trouble is that Musk does have a habit of making good on his promises.
I mean, last month, in a single week, he teased a new phone to rival Apple’s, he unveiled a robot that can actually fetch your slippers, and he introduced a self-driving taxi.
He literally rewrites the concept of being an over-achiever.
Of course, it would be easy to assume that he’s simply the frontman for all these things, a mouthpiece.
But it has transpired that he was actually the guy who came up with the idea of catching that massive rocket in the gantry rather than fitting it with heavy and complicated legs.
Which means he was at the coalface during the design process.
How? Because we see him every day, appearing on podcasts, and giving speeches, and supporting Trump, and backing my Hawkstone beer, and running both X and Tesla.
It’s almost like there must be three of him.
But even if there were two hundred of him, the idea of putting a million people on Mars by the equivalent of next Tuesday does seem a bit ridiculous.
Has he not seen Arnie in Total Recall?
You fall through a window and immediately, your skin starts to melt and your eyes become the size of footballs.
Things aren’t much better in reality. The radiation level is 50 times higher than it is on Earth.
This would make breeding fairly complex as your penis would fall off long before your baby turned out to have three heads.
Then there’s the temperature.
Sure, there are days when it’s a pleasant 70 degrees Fahrenheit but mostly it hovers around the minus 200 mark.
And it can get pretty windy.
So windy in fact that the entire planet can be consumed by one giant dust storm.
Then there’s the problem with housing these million people.
That’s roughly the population of Birmingham.
So you’d need to build a city that size up there, while your old chap is rotting off and you can’t see what you’re doing because of the dust and you have frostbite.
And how do you get all the building materials up there in the first place.
Churches are heavy. So are libraries.
Food? Well Matt Damon has taught us it’s possible to grow potatoes but I’m not sure you could ever have beef up there.
Because you’d have to put a cow in a space ship, and a bull.
And expect them to learn how to use the anti-gravity lavatories.
But let’s say Elon overcomes all of these issues, and if recent history is anything to go by, he might.
Where exactly is he going to find a million volunteers?
Because what he’s basically saying is: Would you like to leave Earth and spend the rest of your life eating potatoes in the freezing cold while your genitals glow like you’re in a Ready Brek commercial.
That’d be like saying to people in St Tropez: “Would you like to leave here and see out your days in Siberia.”
The answer’s going to be no.
NICKED . . . CHEDDAR
THERE was a time when villains went after gold or jewellery or cash.
But last weekend, someone half-inched £300,000 worth of Cheddar cheese.
Cheese, for God’s sake.
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
I always assumed that when newsagents stopped selling Men Only and Penthouse from the top shelf, shoplifting would die out.
But it hasn’t.
They will now nick anything that isn’t nailed down.
And as a result, last year, the thievery cost retailers £1.8billion.
And the police can’t do anything about it because they’re all on a training course, learning why all old ladies are Nazis and why the Deputy Chief Constable of Derbyshire’s hair is so wonderful.
Have a guess how many beer glasses are stolen from my pub every week?
No, you’re quite wrong, I’m afraid. It’s 400.
This means that on every day we are open we are losing 80, along with all the light bulbs from the lavatories and even the urinal traps.
This week, someone stole £200 worth of cooking oil. It’s an epidemic and it’s everywhere.
People are even nicking poppy collection tins and dogs and, as I reported a couple of weeks ago, the doors from your car.
And it’s not going to stop because there is no chance they’ll be caught and even if, by some miracle they are, there will be no punishment.
Punishment would affect their mental health.
And anyway, according to Starmer, it is the right of those who don’t work to take whatever they need from those who do.
HIDDEN JOY OF AGEING
EARLIER this week, I noticed that Netflix had “recently added” Gangs Of London and having greatly enjoyed the first two series, I sat down for a damn good binge.
However, there was a scene in episode six where I thought: “I think I’ve seen this before.”
And indeed I had.
Because when Netflix said, “recently added”, what they meant was “recently bought from Sky where you watched it two years ago, you imbecile”.
This is one of the good things about growing old.
A terrible memory means I can watch all my favourite shows for the very first time.
And meet new friends who I’ve actually known since school.
And now I’m longing to go to Paris.
And go on a train. I’ve never been on one of those, you know.
SAFE PECKS
SO, Worcester City Council is planning to tackle the local seagull population explosion by putting the lady seagulls on the Pill.
Hmm. How will this work, I wonder?
How do you train a bird to take a pill every morning?
I’m a human and I can’t manage it. I’ve never once completed a course of malaria pills.
But I hope they work it out because I can then use the technique on the half a million magpies that have come to live at Diddly Squat Farm this year.
These are terrible creatures.
They fly like there’s something wrong with them, they nick stuff, they eat the eggs of ground-nesting birds and, worst of all, I’m having to spend about four hours every day saluting the bloody things.
WHY USE REAL NAME? FLUCKED IF I KNOW
EVERY single time you read or hear about Tommy Robinson, the reporter always tells you his real name is Stephen Yaxley-Lennon.
Why?
When they mention Elton John, they don’t add “whose real name is Reg Dwight”.
And at the beginning of Blind Date, they never said: “Please welcome your host, Cilla Black . . . whose real name is Priscilla White.”
Also, they definitely never mentioned the fact that Diana Dors’s real name was Diana Fluck.
As ‘Brat’ is named word of the year…take our quiz to see if you’re Brat or just a proper Charlie
FOR many, the word “brat” will conjure up images of a child having a tantrum or John McEnroe losing it on the tennis court.
But not if you are Gen Z — because Collins English Dictionary says it is the word of 2024 and means someone “characterised by a confident, independent and hedonistic attitude”.
The new use is inspired by pop singer Charli XCX’s album Brat, which celebrated her “flaws and f***-ups”.
Even US presidential candidate Kamala Harris referenced the record’s green cover in her campaign.
Try this quiz to help you understand how “brat” you are . . .
1. Someone lights a fag near you in an outside restaurant. Do you:
a) Ignore it.
b) Ask them politely to smoke elsewhere.
c) Say, “Have you got a spare cig?”
2. When out shopping for a new outfit, do you:
a) Buy a grey jumper at M&S.
b) Think a Superdry hoodie is edgy.
c) Decide the strappy white top would look good with no bra and a short skirt.
3. When someone offers you weed, do you:
a) Say, “That’s nice, but I already have enough stinging nettles in my garden.”
b) Tell them you’re not into that skunk stuff and marijuana isn’t what it was.
c) Ask for something much stronger.
4. Someone asks if you like Charli XCX. Do you:
a) Reply you prefer not to use Roman numerals.
b) Say that you’ll check her out on Spotify.
c) Tell them you don’t follow anyone.
5. The bar staff have just called last orders. Do you:
a) Wish you’d stayed at home to watch Strictly.
b) Grab a final drink.
c) Go on to an all-nighter.
6. When looking for a new boyfriend or girlfriend, do you:
a) Reckon evening classes would be good place to find romance.
b) Put up a slightly misleading profile on a dating app.
c) Go for the person who just cheated on your best friend.
7. You want to be President of the United States. Do you?
a) Admit 81 is a bit old for the job.
b) Try to win the youth vote by copying Charli XCX’s Brat cover.
c) Say whatever comes into your head, not caring what anyone thinks.
8. You are a 32-year-old public school-educated pop singer from leafy Essex, with a dad in showbusiness. Do you:
a) Speak openly about how well-off and privileged you are.
b) Don’t go on about your background.
c) Culturally appropriate stereotypes of working-class behaviour.
Brat rating
MOSTLY A – you are about as brat as Songs Of Praise.
B – you are a bit old for this brat stuff, aren’t you?
C – total brat.
Heartwarming moment stars rush to celebrate with BALL BOY after genius assist sends them to first cup final in 32 years
A BALL BOY was made the star of the show after his genius assist helped Racing beat Corinthians 2-1 to reach their first final in 32 years.
The teenager’s quick-thinking set up the decisive goal that put Argentina‘s Racing Club into it’s first ever Copa Sudamericana final.
https://twitter.com/ModernLepra/status/1852352800237175260
His quick throw from a dead-ball waiting on a cone caught Brazil’s Corinthians’ napping on Thursday.
The youngster swiftly tossed the ball to Racing’s Maximiliano Salas, whose catapulted throw was headed on by striker Adrian Martinez.
Double goalscorer Juan Fernando Quintero picked up the pass and sat the goalkeeper down with a sleek finish in the 39th minute, to send the club into their first cup final for 32 years.
The lad, who had quickly turned away to jump over the advertising boards after he provided the ball, returned to the barrier after the goal.
Where he was greeted by a swarm of Racing players who had quickly turned to celebrate by cradling him over the pitch-side boards.
The 15-year-old, who plays for Racing’s academy side, is named Martin Santoro, according to reports in Argentina.
Santoro told Argentinan outlet Diario Ole: “The ball went off the pitch and I wasn’t sure whether to jump up or not.
“I got up and Salas asked me for it. I gave it to him quickly and he threw it in. The goal was exciting because it came from the ball that I quickly handed to him.”
FOOTBALL FREE BETS AND SIGN UP DEALS
Corinthians opened the scoring in Buenos Aires with a back heel assist by former Man Utd star Memphis Depay to Yuri Alberto.
But Racing turned their fortunes around by converting a penalty in the 36th minute and three minutes later after the ball boys heroics.
The first leg in Sao Paulo last week ended 2-2.
The competition is the equivalent of the Europa League.
The stunning incident left fans claiming that Racing now have their own version of the Tottenham ball boy.
Young Spurs fan Callum Hynes was lauded for “assisting” Harry Kane‘s equaliser after quickly throwing the ball to Serge Aurier against Olympiacos in the Champions League in 2019.
The English youngster swiftly gave the ball to Serge Aurier, whose throw set up Lucas Moura’s cross for Kane to level after Spurs were 2-0 down.
Then Tottenham boss Jose Mourinho invited Hynes to enjoy a pre-match meal with his players a few days later.
So let’s see if the young Argentinean ball boy will be rewarded with the same special treatment.
Racing face another Brazilian team in Cruzeiro, who reached the final after beating Argentina‘s Lanus 1-0 on Wednesday.
Meanwhile, Depay’s side are currently fighting against relegation in the Brazilian championship, with seven games remaining.
The 7 hero houseplants that deter spiders, moths & flies – including £6 pretty plant from B&Q that banishes condensation
IF you’re sick of insects invading your house, then look no further than the humble houseplant section at your local supermarket or DIY store.
Did you know that indoor foliage can help banish that pesky condensation on your windows too?
Whether you’re stressed out by spiders, fed up with flies, worn out with moths plaguing your wardrobes, or down in the dumps over damp patches around the home, here are the super-hero house-plants to fight against them all.
Mairi Devlin, B&Q’s Head of Buying, Outdoor & Gardening says: “Harnessing the power of plants in your home can do more than just make your space greener and brighter.
“Many houseplants have natural properties that improve air quality whilst also helping to repel unwanted insects.
“So, if you’re looking for natural methods to keep bugs at bay, there’s a variety of plants that have you covered.”
Damp-busting snake plants and peace lillies
Mairi says: “Peace lilies and snake plants help with unwanted moisture in the home.
“The peace lily soaks up moisture, making it a great fit for bathrooms where it also helps with condensation.
“Meanwhile, the snake plant functions as a natural dehumidifier and air purifier, thriving in dark, humid environments.”
B&Q sell snakes for £15 but there are plenty of other places you can pick one up for a couple of quid.
Or, if you’ve got a friend or family member that has one, why not ask them to propagate it and you’ll get a plant for free!
As for peace lilies, B&Q sell them for a bargain £6.
Moth-repelling rosemary and lavender
Mairi says lavender and rosemary are great choices for keeping moths at bay during the winter months.
“You can tie sprigs of lavender from your potted bush, or make small fabric sachets stuffed with rosemary leaves and hang them near clothes and food storage to keep your space moth-free.
“They both smell great, so you’ll get to enjoy the fragrance too.”
A rosemary plant can be picked up from your local supermarket for £1.
Bug-fighting basil and mint
Mairi says: “While basil might be your go-to herb for pasta sauces, it doubles up as an insect-repellent as spiders and flying insects cannot stand the smell of its fresh green leaves.
“Simply ruffle the foliage as you pass by, and it will release its aroma, sending those unwanted visitors running.
“It’s worth noting that basil thrives in sunlight, so it’s super easy to grow just about anywhere in your home.
“Alternatively, mint also helps to keep spiders at bay, and you can easily create a spray by infusing fresh mint leaves in water and spritzing it around places spiders tend to live.”
Both basil and mint plants can be picked up when doing your weekly food shop for as little as £1.
Insect-hating chrysanthemums
“For an all-around bug-repellent superstar, chrysanthemums fit the bill nicely”, says Mairi.
“These colourful blooms repel a wide variety of pests, including spiders, ants, ticks, and even bed bugs.
“Plus, they’ll add a vibrant touch to any room.”
B&Q sells chrysanthemums for as little as £5.
Fly-hating marigolds
“You might be surprised to learn that orange common marigolds are another of nature’s bug-busters,” Mairi.
“Not only can it be grown as a companion plant amongst vegetables but you can bring them into the home to keep flies away. You get that lovely bright splash of colour too.”
Moisture-wicking orchids
The B&Q expert added: “Orchids are tropical plants that love humidity and absorb it well.
“They thrive in bright, indirect sunlight, so pop them on your bathroom windowsill and watch them flower and grow.
“While they love soaking up that humidity, they prefer their soil to be fairly dry, so you won’t need to water them too often.”
What is condensation?
Condensation is water droplets that form on a window when moist air comes into contact with a cold surface.
Condensation occurs when:
Air cools
Warmer air can hold more moisture than cooler air. When moist air touches a cold surface, like a window, the water vapour in the air turns into liquid water droplets.
Windows are colder than walls
Windows are often colder than insulated walls, so condensation is more likely to occur on them.
Windows are poorly insulated
Poorly insulated windows can lead to condensation, especially if they are made of aluminium, which conducts heat quickly. If left untreated, it can lead to mould and other serious problems.
Police hunt man with ‘distinctive angel tattoo’ after teenage girl sexually assaulted at music festival
POLICE are hunting a man with a distinctive angel tattoo after a teenage girl was sexually assaulted at a music festival.
The assault took place on Friday August 2 earlier this year at the Y Not festival, in Derbyshire between 8.30pm and 10pm.
It unfolded in front of a red double decker bus selling fudge near the main stage during The Kooks set.
The attacker has been described as standing over six-feet tall, and spoke with a Liverpudlian accent.
He had dark hair, a short beard and was heavily tattooed, with a distinctive inking of an angel on his shoulder.
Cops confirmed he was wearing a pair of colourful patterned shorts, a top and black Nike trainers.
Derbyshire Constabulary are also looking to speak to a woman in her 40s who helped the victim away from the scene.
She has been described as having a Nottinghamshire or Derbyshire accent.
The potential witness also had shoulder-length dark hair with a fringe.
She was donning circular sunglasses and a short black dress.
A spokesperson for Derbyshire Constabulary said: “We are appealing for the public’s help to try and identify a man after a report of a girl being sexually assaulted at the Y Not festival earlier this year.
“The incident occurred on Friday 2 August in front of a red double decker bus selling fudge near the main stage during The Kooks set between 8.30pm and 10pm.
“The incident saw a teenage girl sexually assaulted by a man who was described as having a Liverpudlian accent and was more than 6ft tall.
“He had dark hair, which was short on the sides but fluffy on top, a short beard, and tattoos all over his body, hands, arms, and neck – including a distinctive angel tattoo on his shoulder area.
“He was wearing a pair of colourful patterned shorts, a T-shirt and black Nike shoes.
“Officers also remain keen to speak to a woman who spoke with the victim at the time of the incident and helped lead her away from the area but then left without leaving her details.
“Officers urgently need to speak with her as a potential witness to the incident. The woman is described as being in her 40s with a Derbyshire or Nottinghamshire accent.
“She had shoulder-length dark hair with a fringe and was wearing circular sunglasses and a black blouse/dress that reached to her lower thighs.”
Strictly’s just like X Factor – except I was never in bottom two then, reveals Shayne Ward as he talks facing dance-off
HE has faced the Strictly dance-off twice this series, so singer Shayne Ward has the perfect soundtrack to his quickstep tonight – Help! by The Beatles.
It will be a challenge for the singer and actor as he takes to the dancefloor knowing the public has not supported him the way they did when he won The X Factor in 2005.
Back then, he sailed to victory, never once ending up in the bottom two on the ITV talent contest.
And the hothouse nature of Strictly brings the memories flooding back every week.
Shayne, who is paired with pro dancer Nancy Xu, said: “I never thought that, 20 years after The X Factor, I’d be listening to the same ‘heartbeat’ music that they played when I stood on the stage to win the show.
“I’m 40 and it brings back so much nostalgia. It’s weirdly the same feelings I had when I stood on that stage at the age of 21.
“You grow so close to everybody you’re working with, you see them pretty much every day. So you want everybody to do well. But then the realisation kicks in that somebody has to go home.
“The moment you hear that heartbeat, you’re like, ‘Oh, we’re back to a competition again, aren’t we?’.”
Just like on Strictly, the X Factor contestants had to secure enough public votes to get through to the next week.
The two acts with the fewest perform again, and their fate is decided by the judges.
Mancunian Shayne appeared to easily triumph on the now axed X Factor.
‘I really want this’
He immediately went on to get that year’s Christmas No1 with another aptly named track, That’s My Goal.
But Shayne, who was also in Coronation Street from 2015 to 2018, has not been so lucky on Strictly — and freely admits he doesn’t like it.
The star — who danced the paso doble to Edvard Grieg’s In The Hall Of the Mountain King for Halloween Week — said: “It’s not nice being in the bottom two. It’s a horrible feeling.
“You never know what the public are going to warm to, but I’m proud of the routine we did on Saturday. It fitted Halloween Week perfectly.
I’m 40 and it brings back so much nostalgia. It’s
Shayne Ward
weirdly the same feelings I had when I stood on that stage at the age of 21
“Being in that bottom two, I was gutted, you know. In that moment, you’re thinking, ‘Is this the end of my adventure on Strictly?’.
“We’re just truly grateful to the judges for putting us through.”
Though he picked up decent scores from Craig Revel Horwood, Motsi Mabuse, Shirley Ballas and Anton du Beke, he doesn’t seem to be winning over viewers at home quite the same.
So far, Shayne has had to fight for survival against DIY SOS star Nick Knowles in week four of the competition, and he saw off Doctor Punam Krishan last weekend.
Each time, he has been unanimously saved by the judges, but the competition is set to intensify this weekend with a “music icons” theme to help mark Strictly’s 20th anniversary.
Shayne says being in survival mode has affected his confidence in training, but insists he is using the nervous tension to motivate himself to come back fighting tonight.
He explained: “It’s hard not to let something like that come into the rehearsal room. But it definitely re-focuses you and reignites that fire to make you go, ‘I really want this, I don’t want this to be over. I want to keep dancing with Nancy’.
Being in that bottom two, I was gutted, you know. In that moment, you’re thinking, ‘Is this the end of my adventure on Strictly?’
Shayne Ward
“It gives you that spark again, to go, ‘Right, this is a new week, let’s go for it’. We’ve taken everything that the judges have said into the rehearsals to come back fighting.”
Shayne knows a thing or two about bouncing back by embracing a new skill.
Despite a hugely promising musical start in 2005, when That’s My Goal became one of the fastest-selling singles in UK chart history, his singing career took a huge blow in 2010.
His third album, Obsession, failed to make the Top Ten and in 2011, he was dropped by Syco, Simon Cowell’s record label that gave all X Factor winners a sought-after deal.
So he immediately turned to the stage, appearing first in Rock Of Ages at the Shaftesbury Theatre in London, before joining the arena tour of Jeff Wayne’s musical version of The War Of The Worlds.
Then in 2015, Corrie came knocking, but after three years of playing troubled Aidan Connor, he exited the soap in a suicide storyline.
It gained the actor and ITV show huge praise for their sensitive handling of an issue affecting millions of people, particularly younger men.
While on the show, Shayne also started a relationship — and a family — with former Hollyoaks actress Sophie Austin, 40.
In 2016, the couple, who are engaged, had a daughter Willow and, in 2022, son Reign.
But it is fair to say Shayne’s career as a performer has not gone from strength to strength in recent years.
In 2015, his fourth and final album, Closer, was released, funded through PledgeMusic, and scraped its way to No 17 in the charts.
I’m a man now. I’ve got a family of my own, a partner I love, but I still feel like I have the world at my feet the same way I felt at 21
Shayne Ward
Recently, his most high-profile TV acting role was playing a cabaret singer in widely panned Channel 5 drama The Good Ship Murder.
So does he ever regret taking part in The X Factor and being set on the bumpy road that has been his career for the past two decades?
Shayne said: “My answer is no, because I wouldn’t be where I am right now in my career and my personal life with my two amazing children and my amazing partner, Sophie.
“I think it gave me life lessons. I’ve travelled the world and I’ve got to have these incredible moments thanks to starting out on The X Factor.
‘My absolute rock’
“I’m a man now. I’ve got a family of my own, a partner I love, but I still feel like I have the world at my feet the same way I felt at 21.
“I still have that drive to work, to push myself to see what I can do.”
It seems Shayne already has so much, but he is determined to win the Glitterball, just as he won that record contract and overnight fame.
He said: “Wouldn’t it be something to win X Factor and Strictly? Honestly, for me, it would be an absolute honour to lift that Glitterball for myself and Nancy. She deserves that moment. All we can do is our best and what will be, will be.”
Meanwhile, Shayne has insisted that Strictly fans who have branded him “cocky” and “arrogant” are wrong.
He said that while he might seem confident on the dance floor, he is “absolutely terrified because this is a huge deal”.
And he revealed it is Sophie who has kept him strong.
Shayne said: “She’s been my absolute rock through it all.
She’s been my absolute rock through it all
Shayne Ward
“I haven’t really seen the kids that much, and it breaks my heart because I miss them.
“But she is just an absolute force to be reckoned with because she’s just like, ‘I’ve got it all under control’.
“You think it’s impossible to love somebody more every day, but it’s true. Strictly can take all your concentration and what’s so amazing is the support and understanding I’ve had from Sophie. It’s incredible.
“You can’t do this show alone, and I’m so lucky to have her by my side.”
Shayne has laughed off reports he postponed his wedding to take part in Strictly.
He said: “Can you imagine if I did? That’s a very understanding wife to be!
“No, we’re looking to get married next year. It’s as simple as that. We’re very excited.
“There’s pressure for my wedding dance now I’ve been dancing for a few months.”
First of all, he has to nail tonight’s Beatles number.
Otherwise, it may be more Hello, Goodbye, Shayne.
- Strictly Come Dancing is on BBC One at 6.30pm.